To My Kids Re: Technology
I failed you. But it's not too late.
Dear kids -
When I was in the 7th grade, I got a 486 computer for Christmas. It was one of those large clunky off-white things you’ve seen pictures of. It had a monitor that could anchor our canoe. The mouse that had a rolling ball in it instead of an optical red sensor (wait…you do know what a computer mouse is, right?). It had many components and it was massive.
And frankly…it was awesome.
It wasn’t the newest computer at the time, but it was still fast enough. I think we got it cheaply because the first Pentium had just come out, and Grandpa - always up for a good deal at auctions - bought a lot of 486s at an auction, sold most of them, and brought a few home to distribute. So one ended up on a make-shift table-desk in the corner of my room.
Your uncle had just left for college which left me as an only child at home. That was pretty awesome. Sometimes lonely, but still awesome. But what it meant is I had a lot of time to do stuff on that computer. Honestly, I learned quite a bit. I taught myself to do some programming in MSDOS. I even learned HTML early on to make simple websites. I wish I could show you this website I made on GeoCities. You’d be appalled, but I’d still like to see it again.
I learned to get my homework done quickly on that thing. I could write a paper in no time at all. I learned to type pretty well, bolstered by a keyboarding class I took in high school, something I still recommend to you all. (I’m sure just using a simple program would suffice.) As I continued to learn, I worked for my high school newspaper. I edited my college yearbooks. I delved into desktop publishing. These are skills I still use today.
I learned a lot about computers in that time. I grew up with them and they with me. I believe I benefit today from that experience because I still have some capacity to find a way to figure something out on a computer or a phone, rather than just have it done for me. However, I confess that I feel like I’m losing this ability. I’m not too sure why. Maybe it is the advancement in technology.
You didn’t get this opportunity. While the technology today is 1000x what it was when I was your age, computers and phones were already grown up by the time you got your little toddler hands on them. I grew up in a computing world. You grew up in an app world. This is a disadvantage to you.
So when we handed you that iPad for the first time, your little fingers could just press an icon and open yourself up to a world of pictures and music and videos. It’s amazing, really.
But I failed you. And this is why my writing today is as much confession as it is warning.
For all the hope I had that having ABCs apps and math apps and all the good that could come from handing you technology, it has come with much more that’s life-sucking than life-giving. I should have envisioned things better. But believe me, the parental pressures were (are) real.
At least one of you is familiar with what I now think is one of the most prophetic essays written in the last 400 years - Why I Am Not Going to Buy a Computer - written two years before that 486 computer was even introduced. Wendell Berry was right in 1987. (Not that I knew of the essay until some twenty years later.)
And no, I’m not actually saying you shouldn’t own a computer or phone, though your mother and I are often tempted to do nothing more than pack up our stuff and move far, far away where we’d start lives over. I know this wouldn’t solve anything. I’m just being honest about our feelings sometimes.
But we failed you. As much as we tried to put limits on your usage of iPads and now iPhones, we didn’t try hard enough. By the way, there are a lot of parents who did much, much better. You don’t seem to know of them since, “everyone else” has more access than you do. We both know that’s not true…right?
I’m not those parents who did better. I wish I had. And again, this is my confession. I’m sorry.
But here we are now today - and it is what it is at the moment. You are highly addicted to your phones and there’s seemingly no way out. But we’re going to try. And it’s going to take more of your effort than ours.
You’re 18, 16, and 13 now. We’re well beyond the years of us just telling you what to do. And so you’re going to need some of your own help. That’s why I’m writing this.
It won’t be easy.
Temptation and addiction are nothing new to humanity. Very early on, the Hebrew scriptures liken such things to a strong animal ready to pounce on weakness.1 It very often feels like that.
What is often unfair is that different people have different propensities or inclinations toward particular things. We’ve talked about this - some people can drink alcohol very responsibly. But others just can’t stop longing for it even after just a little bit. It’s not fair that it affects different people in different ways. But it’s the fact of the matter.
Not many people talk about technology addiction, but more and more smart people are. It’s particularly a problem for those who are younger. I’m sorry - I know you don’t like to hear this - but you’re just not fully-developed yet. Your beautiful minds and bodies are like brand new fields full of luscious dirt just waiting for something to be planted. And the options of things to be planted are more numerous than ever. But not all things lead to sustaining life.
Companies have gone to great lengths to ensure we return to their products again and again. And why wouldn’t they? Companies are designed to make money and the more we use their stuff, the more money they make, whether it’s a social media company, or a company that produces food, or even a college or university.
All of this stuff isn’t bad in and of itself - alcohol, food, educational institutions, or even social media. All of these can be good.
Technology is good. The fact that we can take Tylenol to help with pain or we can hop in a machine with wheels that takes us all over the country or we can crunch numbers more quickly with a computer than we could with a pencil - this is all potentially very, very good.
But it is also potentially very, very bad. Medicine is easily addictive. Cars lead to thousands of fatalities. Technology…is more often bad today than it is good.
And with the “advancements” in technology - medicine, computing, and food - it is all much more highly addictive than ever, because it’s more powerful than ever. It’s just the way it works. Our iPhones are at least 1000x as powerful as that 486 computer was. Fentanyl of the 2020s is 100x more powerful than the heroin of the 1980s.
You all have different propensities toward the use of your phones. But you all do have a propensity to use it too much. Way too much. I know this because I see you and live with you. And you know we’ve talked about this and struggled with it for years now.
…but I also know this because I know myself.
As good as that 486 computer was for me three decades ago, it also brought a lot of trouble into my life. Pornography was so powerfully destructive in my personal life as a young man (and I shudder to think of how destructive it was for others - females - who may have been forced into making it one way or another). And so much time spent on that computer - and many more devices since - was time highly wasted.
I distinctly remember your grandmother coming into my room late one evening…or, uh, morning…and seeing me playing SimCity 2000. It was an early version of those games played now like Hay Day, in which the more you play, the faster you progress, designed to make you play more. I was particularly far in SimCity and Grandma said to me, “You know, Jeremy, some people get addicted to that stuff.”
In my mind, I dismissed her. But she was right. Way back in 1995. And I’ve never forgotten what she said, though I have most certainly not always heeded it. Not even close.
“But Dad, you did all this and you’ve made it through. Just chill and let us be teenagers.”
Well, yes…and no.
The power of technology as it exists today is so much stronger. It’s out of control. Do you ever wonder why our highly-advanced tech nation is so steeped in depression and anxiety? Really though, think about it. Why? Why are people who have so much technology so messed up in the things of addiction and mental health? It’s a tough pill to swallow and we must ask ourselves if advancement in technology is all that great overall for all people.
And it’s likely not going to slow down. So we have to ask ourselves as individuals and families just how we’re going to live within it all. We can’t escape technology and we shouldn’t. But…how are we going to live?
So what then? Are we moving far away? Am I taking away your phones?
No, not as of yet. (But it is tempting…do you think there are iPhones in Hawaii?)
For real though, this is an imploration.
(That means I’m begging you.)
Take control of the life you have. Turn to those things that make us human. Your mother and I will continue to strive to help you in this. But you have your own agency now and if there is anything you have received from the two of us, it’s the capability and propensity to make your own decisions beyond the help of others. (Believe me - I know you can do this because you do it all the time - ignoring what we say!)
Do take control of your life. Ask yourself: is what I’m doing in this moment bringing me more life or taking it away? And if you’re not sure, talk to us about it. You’ve certainly learned by now that neither one of your parents knows everything. But we do know some things.
And I believe you do, too. You know how you feel after you’ve binged shows or played that game or those games or scrolled through the feed for hours at a time. Does it feel good? Do you feel any better about yourself or others? For me, I know I feel much worse.
…right?
What we are feeling is less human.
Despite the significant advances of technology that exist today - particular in AI - it is not human. Maybe some day human-created technology2 will advance so far that it can even re-create humanity, full of emotion and feelings and capacity to love.
But I doubt it.
So live into the stuff that does.
I love you,
Dad
It says, “But if you don’t do the right thing, sin will be waiting at the door ready to strike! It will entice you, but you must rule over it.”
I say “human-created” because a technology for the capacity to love and feel already exists. It has been created. It’s you and it’s me.
Love this. So poignant, so true.
My favorite line:
"Your beautiful minds and bodies are like brand new fields full of luscious dirt just waiting for something to be planted."
The entire piece was great.